One of my character flaws is I hang onto people/places/things tenaciously. Too much so, actually. I’ve kept t shirts, shoes, friends and even relationships for way too long, after everyone has told me to walk away.
I guess I just don’t like to give up easily. I want to make sure I’ve done all that I could to make a difference and salvage whatever. It’s hard to admit that I’ve failed. No one wants to admit that no matter how hard you tried, it just wouldn’t work. Me, especially. I struggle with self esteem issues to start with, and to know that I failed at something just adds to those feelings.
I don’t want to admit that I wasted my time on something that I intrinsically knew wasn’t going to work out from the outset. I haven’t always listened to my gut when I should have. Fact check: if have that constant feeling of anxiety in a situation, chances are there’s a very good reason.
To quote the Amityvile Horror: get out.
It’s only now that I’m recognizing these situations where it’s not in my best interest. If I can’t feel comfortable letting my freak flag fly around these people, then I really don’t need them in my life. There is nothing as degrading or demeaning as knowing you’re selling your soul to meet someone else’s needs while ignoring your own.
I never spoke up before, and finding my voice has been hard. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done, honestly. In the beginning, I was mute. I’d open my mouth, and nothing would come out. It was as if my vocal chords were surgically excised. Little by little I’ve gathered a husky whisper. I’m still not being heard entirely, but my voice is out there. It’s bouncing across the universe.