What Can You Believe

I’ve struggled with low self esteem most of my life. When I was 4 & in preschool, there was a popular girl named Christine. I wanted to be her BFF. 

Unfortunately, she turned out to be a mean girl. I couldn’t play with her or her minions because I was too fat. 

Fast forward 42 years later, and I’m still living out that truth. My weight has fluctuated in that time. I’ve vascillated between starving myself and binge eating. I’ve struggled with body image, not always reconciling the person in the mirror with me. 

Most of all, I’ve struggled with feeling worthy of all the great stuff that’s happened to me in my life. That’s the real rub. I’ve been granted so many wishes, yet I don’t feel like it’s deserved.

Then I self sabotage. When it all falls apart, my crazy making mind will announce-see I told you. You idiot did you really think it was going to work out? It’s a tough ride to be on. It’s exhausting. Especially when your rational brain says yes you absolutely deserve this. You deserve all the great things in life. 

I’m in the process of learning to shut up that negative bitch in my brain. I don’t need to hold onto comments someone who was barely out of diapers made. I’m all grown up now-time to let that shit go, for good. It’s hard to believe I gave that comment so much space in my head for so long. It’s haunted me for too long-time for an exorcism .

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