Live like you’re dying

I’m very war weary right now. It’s been a long battle against a bunch of health issues, too much stress and just general suckiness. I’m 7 months post hernia surgery and I still feel like crap. My hernia seems to have reoccurred, again. I know that part of this is because I’m fat and have no core strength. It doesn’t make it any easier.


One of my biggest issues in dealing with all of this and trying to heal is just a lack of energy. I’ve been hypothyroid since my teens and have taken medication for it for almost 30 years. I’m also under chronic stress, from the usual work, family & home plus some special circumstances like raising a special needs child, dealing with people who suck the life out of me (and no, I can’t just cut them out of my life. It’s way more complicated), dealing with my mom in hospice and all that jazz. 

I know my system is out of whack and I’ve got an empty toolbox. I’m doing things in fits & starts and never really making any progress. Nothing is consistent, which is key to healing. After I dealt with the suck all weekend so far, I made the choice that I’ve got to do something radical or else I’m going to die.

Literally. 

Let’s face it. I’m 46 and morbidly obese. See that word morbidly? That means deathly. I’m heading down that path of no return and ill wind up like my mom, ravaged by diabetes related issues all due to eating crap, not exercising but most of all, not practicing self care. If I don’t make permanent, lasting lifestyle changes that will be me. 

And it scares the ever living bit out of me. 

I’m done with living like this. Seriously. I know I say it all the time, that I want to be healthy blah blah blah and I do stuff for a bit and then I fall off the wagon. This time I mean it. No seriously, I do. I can’t be living like this anymore because it’s going to kill me. 

And I don’t want to die.

It’s time to get radical. I’m a freaking mess. I’m overweight, overwhelmed and plain out miserable. Most of this is due to the fact I self medicate with food. It’s a lot more socially acceptable than alcohol or other substances. I binge when I’m upset or stressed, so obviously with all that’s been going down in my world, I’m eating a lot. 

And I don’t binge on the healthy stuff. Nope it’s the good stuff-greasy, fatty, sugar laden crap. Bring it on.

I also can’t get in the right mindset to really do anything. By the time I get home from work, I’m out of spoons. It’s a vicious cycle and I really struggle with it. So I either have to make a change, or just keep living like this, slowly dying.

I choose life.

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