Lemonade

When the universe comes and smacks me on the side of the head, I call them truth bombs. I’ve had a lot of them lately. The hardest ones to bear are the ones that shatter your heart and reality. I guess I’ve known deep down I was living a lot of lies, but it was easier to do that than face the truth. 

This past weekend, after my car died right before the Weezer concert I had been looking forward to for months, I really had to face facts. I’m morbidly obese, in shitty health both physically and emotionally, and utterly alone. That truly sucks. When the chips are down, I’ve got me, myself & I. I don’t have a back up plan. I don’t have a go to. Hell, I couldn’t even bribe someone with a free ticket to drive me to the show. It was that moment it clicked-when I’m no longer useful to people, I’m invisible. That’s a helluva wake up call. The roommate didn’t want to, and besides by the time he got home from work, the show was mostly over. It doesn’t help that I’m still upset over it & im being told that I need to deal.

Again, truth bomb. 

You know that saying, be careful what you wish for? Well, some of my wishes have come back to bite me in the ass. Years ago, I had hoped that he would go to church. I was so tired of going alone. Then, after all was said & done, he decides to start going. Obviously, without me. Thanks for finding God after all these years. Same thing with eating better and tooth whitening and rogaine. It’s really hard to face this reality. All that I wanted, well it finally happened, just not on my watch. Lucky me, right?

I should be used to pain, misery, disappointment and heartache. My life has been full of it. It doesn’t ever seem to get better, I just have a dark cloud hanging over me it seems. I get close to grasping that brass ring and someone knocks me out of the way. Again, truth bomb. It doesn’t seem as if it’s going to get any better. I’m mired in quicksand of stinking thinking.

Of course it’s not going to get better if I keep thinking that way. Like attracts like. If I’m thinking everything sucks, well then of course it does. The universe doesn’t disappoint us. If we think nothing good ever happens, then that’s what the universe aligns for us. I’ve been stuck in this negative thought pattern for so long. I’ve just come to expect it’s all going to go wrong. Again.

Changing the thought pattern won’t erase the past. It won’t exactly heal the present either. However, it will prepare for a much better future. That gives me hope, and that’s what gets me through a lot. I’m working on changing thought patterns to be more positive. I’m working on using the law of attraction and manifesting good stuff in my life. I’m fine tuning my intentions and practicing mindfulness more. Most of all, I’m reconnecting with an attitude of gratitude. Im taking these truth bombs and owning them. 

I realized I don’t  have a support system. This became evident when my mom started to die, and I was alone. It culminated in me missing out on the concert I was dying to go to. Again, I was alone. I need to develop real life friendships, which means facing my fears and anxieties. I struggle with making friends because of low self esteem. I struggle with keeping friendships because of shame and low self esteem. Most of the relationships I have are due to me providing a service to the other person-being there when they need somebody, especially in terms of helping with a project or volunteering. I’m a warm body, and when that warm body isn’t needed, neither am I. My truth bomb is to make real life connections with people, to have friends and a support system, and not always raise my hand to do things, or say yes when I mean no.

Another truth bomb is all about waiting for others to be who I want or need. That’s a very bitter pill to swallow and currently the most painful. I’m in the middle of sorting this one out, and it’s hard. So much of my identity has been neatly packaged one way, and that’s not reality anymore. I need to be my own hero. My truth bomb is figuring out who the hell I am so I can make the necessary changes happen. 

Yet another is my health. I have to stop pretending it’s all ok, because it’s not. I’m not ok. I’m unhealthy mentally, physically and spiritually. I need to heal. I need to become whole again-and remain that way. I need to work on me. I need to understand why I chose to binge on food to numb the pain. I need to understand why I continually do the same things that don’t work instead of doing what does.  My truth bomb is if I don’t do this, I’m going to die. 

I kept thinking that the universe was out to get me, by throwing all this shit at me. The reality is, it was providing me an opportunity to grow and better myself. Truth bombs cause an explosion, but in a good way. It might not seem like that in the moment, but that’s what they do. The truth sucks monkey balls sometimes. 

The universe may have thrown me lemons but I’m looking to make lemonade out of all of this. 

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