Do you know who I am?
Because I sure as hell don’t.
I used to think I knew me, with neat little labels affixed to my identity. Once those labels got removed, I lost who I was. Actually, that person was never found to start with. I just slapped some tags on me and away I went, not really knowing or understanding anything about me. I so wanted to belong, to be liked/loved, to have a purpose that I just went along with it.
Now here I am, with a bunch of other labels stuck to me too, and these aren’t as easy to remove.
I’m struggling to find my identity and figure out where I fit into this grand scheme of things. There are a few characteristics I claim: mom, dog and cat lover, citizen, Christian, homeowner, employee. There are others that don’t quite fit on me anymore. Others that never did. Even more so are the ones that don’t really belong to me, but I’ve accepted because I think I should: Fat. Loser. Bitch. Failure. Self centered. Psycho.
One of the paths I need to follow as I journey towards healing is self discovery. I’ve really lost site of who I am as I’ve been mired in quicksand. When you’re living at basic survival levels, not much else matters. That’s where I’ve been for far too long. Treading water, day after day, waiting for someone to throw me a lifeline. But it never came. That’s when I realized I needed to be radical. I had to be my own hero and write my own happy ending.
Today, I start a new chapter in the book of my life. I’m stripping off the labels and starting over, because I can and I need to in order to heal. I’m creating new ones
Domestic CEO. I run my household. Sure Proverbs 31 is a framework, but there’s so much more. I’m done asking permission or waiting around for others. It’s time to be bold. Running my household isn’t just the cooking and cleaning and laundry. It’s creating the mission statement and creating the culture.
Spirit junkie. I’m looking towards finding my zen and letting that set the tone for my whole life. It characterizes how I relate to myself, others and the world. It’s my life on & off the mat.
Wholistic. I am at peace with my life mind, body & soul. I eat healthfully, I move and groove and love fiercely. I’m working through my life lessons and truth bombs and excavating my authenticity. I’m navigating my desire map to figure out what my core beliefs are and how that translates to what I do and who I am.
Super mom-young Jedi needs me to be more than just a mom. I need to be his advocate, his role model and he needs to know I’ve always got his back, no matter what. Unconditional love, fierce raw and honest.