I Like to Move It, Move It

Truth bomb: I need to get up off my a$$ and move. 

For the better part of a year, it’s been firmly planted on my sofa, or in the recliner or in bed, because when I’m hurting, I sleep. 

The funny thing is I actually love working out. I love the endorphins and the rush I get knowing I’m remaking myself rep by rep. It also scares me. I’m not used to feeling good all the time, and those endorphins do exactly that. I’m also terrified of getting stronger, faster & healthier, for the same reasons. I’m not used to feeling or looking good.

I think this is why I struggle with consistency. I start getting this endorphin rush and it jazzes me, then fear starts to take over. All the what ifs from anxiety overwhelm. I stop working out because deep down I’m absolutely terrified of being healthy and looking great.

Why am I afraid? 

There’s guilt and shame-of why I let myself get this way in the first place, that I’m such a terrible loser. I mean look at me I’m huge. I obviously don’t know what I’m doing and what’s the point I’m just going to wind up bingeing again and all that hard work will be a waste.

There’s the feeling of not being good enough. I’m not pretty enough. My body isn’t good enough. Look at the size of me. If I lose all the weight I want to, I’ll have loose skin everywhere. I’m not as good as those girls in the front row at Zumba/PiYo/barre/TRX/the weight rack/the treadmill/the elliptical. I’ll never be as good as them.

Then there’s the attention factor. I can’t help it, I’m very curvy. Some folks pay attention to that. On one hand it’s flattering, on the other it scares me because I’m not sure how to handle it. I’m intimidated into being mute. I’d rather have a wall of flesh around me than have to deal with it.

Then there’s the whole if I get healthy what now scenario. If I’m healthy, then who am I?  If I don’t have issues, then what do I focus on??? I’ve defined myself for so long with depression, anxiety, PCOS, having a hernia, hypothyroid…if I don’t have these labels, then I have to define myself another way.

Intellectually I know what I need to do. Emotionally I need to suck it up. And move it

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