Liar

  
This is what depression can do: I used to get so much done, but now it’s a struggle somedays to shower, get dressed and go to work. I look back on what I was doing BD (before depression) compared to AD, and it’s a shadow. 

Depression a liar.It tells me I suck. It tells me I won’t ever get better. It whispers to me to eat that cake because my soul is empty and this will make me fill me up. It yells at me that I’m the worst wife & mom because I can’t get things done, no matter how long the to do list is or how much I want to. It stops me from writing or creating, because why bother, I’m not that talented anyway. 

  

It reminds me that I’m missing out on everything and I’d better stay in sweats all day rather than do anything else. It reminds me that zoning out on my phone, on the couch, is social contact. It reminds me of every stupid thing I said/did/thought everyday since I’m so worthless. 

  
I hit an all time low, and sometimes that’s what you need to start making changes. I’m only at the beginning of this journey, and there’s a long, long way to go still. I’m not going to lie-it is hard. It’s hard seeing each & every day the damage done-people, places. It’s hard looking in the mirror at a body you literally doubled in size. It’s hard knowing that you missed out on so much. 

It must be what it’s like when someone comes out of a coma. You’re awake and very aware of your surroundings. Hyper aware, on so many levels. Colors seem brighter, there are sounds that seem magical as if it’s aurally impossible. Your senses explode. 

  
There are other upsides. I’m repairing relationships that were damaged by depression. I know who my tribe are now, those who stood by me. sometimes depression shone a light on something and you realized it wasn’t for my greater good, so it wasn’t always a pack of lies…but that’s a rare exception. I also have my rose colored glasses off & I’m seeing this in a different light now. It isn’t always pretty-the truth never is-and I’m making changes, taking steps to better me.

Day by day, who I was before this liar took up residence is emerging from the shadows. Every minute on the elliptical, every mile run, every weighted repetition is a challenge to depression. Each healthy meal, each good night of sleep, each day I get up and show up lets in a little more light. It’s a raison d’etre, since I get my jollies proving things wrong.